Noah was currently standing in the bathroom, reading himself for a quick shower, well. That was until he heard Maximilien swear rather loudly from the Living room. And Noah had never been able so resist observing an angry Maximilien swearing in french. It was just something one should never miss out on. So he hurriedly turned off for the water, only managing to threw on some sweat pants and then walked into the living room, standing in the doorframe, arms crossed, looking at Maximilien through slightly narrowed eyes. Did he really have to dress like that when it was just a date. It wasn't like Max intended to sleep with the guy. He would probably need a ring on his finger now before he did that. But he couldn't help himself when his mind told me 'Why else would he dress like that'. His mouth went completely dry when he looked closer at the leather pans Max was wearing. ''Decided to finally fuck?'' He asked, trying to keep the sneer out from his voice, but not quite managing. Maybe he should stop Maximilien. He knew that Maximilien wanted a relationship. What if that guy only wanted to fuck him? He reasoned with himself that, that was the only reason he wanted to stop this date. ''I've heard that this..'' Shit, what was his name. ''This guy is in the porn industry.'' Wow, Noah. Such a lame try, he scolded himself. ''You don't want a boyfriend that's in the porn industry, right? Maybe it's just rumors of course... Or maybe he's just hiding it. Aren't you done with people taping sex.'' Okay, that was maybe a thing he shouldn't have mentioned. It was a sore spot for Maximilien. How goes the saying? Saved by the bell? Because that was exactly what happened right at that moment. Someone rang the bell, and before Maximilien could get to his feet Noah had stormed over to the door, opening it and scowling at the person behind it. A dark blond guy with kind eyes, and grudgingly Noah had to admit that he was quite attractive. ''Oh, you must be... Noah.'' He said unsurely, extracting his hand out towards him, ''I'm Gabriel.'' What a ridiculous name, Noah thought to himself. Always having the urge to ridicule people based on small things. ''Yes, I'm Noah.'' This guy practically looked pretty decent, and Noah resented him for that. Well, maybe he knew one way to show Maximilien that this guy was bad. He could feel Max's presence just behind him, and this was perfect. Then he could witness it for himself. He turned on for his charm, leaning slightly closer to the man, ''So... Gabriel.'' He began, looking him up and down, ''I'm sure Max wouldn't mind sharing you. I mean.. I wouldn't be opposed to say no to that.'' He said, staring pointedly at the man's midsection, trailing his gaze back up again, looking the man in the eyes again, expecting to see lust. He was sorely mistaken. The man just looked annoyed and impatient. He tried again, more determined, trailing a finger down the man's chest, leaning in closer, preparing himself to whisper in his ear, pretend he's letting him in on a secret, but all that happened was that someone grabbed his wrist, removing his hand. He looked quite stricken at the man. No one had ever refused him, or said no to him. Who did this bastard think he was. He wasn't a decent guy. He couldn't be. How was he going to prove his point to Maximilien now? 'He actually is a decent guy for once.' The annoying voice in his head told him. Shut up. ''You're loss.'' He sneered at the man, but he was already gazing at Maximilien with those annoyingly bright eyes, moving towards him, not even gazing at Noah.

Noah stayed silent for a long while. If he didn't know any better he would probably have shuffled on his feet, and fiddled with his sleeve. But Noah didn't do such things. Never showing his insecurity, confusion or whatever other things he was feeling. Or right now. Rejection. Plain old rejection. Something he hadn't felt since.. No, do not think about this now! He suddenly wished Johannes was here. Because he was feeling utterly alone. He didn't have someone he could talk to as freely as he was used to with his old friend. Someone who would listen and let him complain about small insignificant things. Never bringing him down, just listening or offering tentative comfort, because he knew how to handle Noah's emotions. He looked back at Maximilien again with cold eyes. Handling it the only way he knew how to. Pushing Max further away. ''I never go back to the same thing. I don't need some pathetic puppy trailing after me. Trust me. I'm not jealous. I'm perfectly fine without commitment. You may consider me as an asshole for all I care. That's your problem, not mine.'' He sneered. Okay Noah, final blow. You can do it. Do it. Just one final blow. He clenched his fists and then, ''All I desired about you, was your cock and your pretty little arse.'' With that, he turned around, walking towards his own bedroom. Feeling more empty than ever. He almost stumbled into Gabriel, forcing a smirk on his own face, ''I hope he rides you really hard tonight.'' It took all his might not to smack the door behind him, and just scream. He stood in the middle of his room, breathing hard, trying to swallow every single emotion down. ''I hate you!'' he whispered out into the empty room. Not knowing who he was referring to. His parents, Johannes or maybe Maximilien. Maybe them all.

Noah had been angry, sad and anxious since Maximilien had left with his date. He'd screamed into his pillow for a half hour straight, until he had heard Jonathan slowly waking up, crying softly from the nursery. He was feeling so drained from energy that he considered calling the babysitter so he could get away, gather his thoughts a bit, but he didn't. Instead he'd spent most of the day with the baby, playing and secretly cooing over him. Not that he would ever admit he had done such things. He was lying on his back on the couch, Jonathan on his chest, when he heard someone coming in, figuring it was probably Maximilien. He slowly stretched his legs and sat up with Jonathan on his lap. He wanted to say something to Max, but he faltered completely when he saw the smile on his face. His heart started beating a little to wildly and he felt cold upon seeing that smile. He gathered that the date had been great even though he had tried to ruin it. He wanted to apologize. Say something. But he didn't know how to apologize. He'd never been good at apologies. Instead he just looked at Max with a forced smile, ''So!'' He exclaimed, like nothing had happened earlier. ''I was thinking.. We could order take-away from that vegetarian restaurant you love. And then we could rent a movie. Maybe something... Something Disney. We'll watch it with Jonathan. He would like that, don't you think? We'll eat here. In the living room. I know I hate when we do it, because Jonathan manages to make a mess on the couch and it's a bloody nightmare to clean, but we could do it. Just today. Maybe it will be easier to feed him that way. While he watches the movie.'' He babbled, bouncing Jonathan on his legs. ''I think he would like this little gathering. That way we'll both spend time with him.'' He got up a bit shakily on his legs, still clutching Jonathan to him like a shield, ''Are you hungry? I could order the food now.''' He grimaced as he realized Jonathan was drooling all over him, and he held the baby out an arms length, scowling at him. ''Haven't I told you, it's impolite to drool on other people.'' He chastised like the baby could understand what he was saying. The baby just merely gurgled, this time, drooling down his own chin, giggling, like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. Noah sighed exasperatedly and then looked expectantly at Maximilien, fighting the urge to bite his lip nervously. ''So... What do you say?''

Noah sighed in relief when Maximilien took the baby from him. He was so bloody exhausted. He tapped his fingers on his thigh, eyes brightening suddenly, ''Peter Pan!'' He exclaimed like a child, ''Or Tangled.'' He got up to his feet, searching for his phone. ''I'll order the food. They bring out until nine pm.'' Then he stopped in his tracks, noticing something was off. The dread came faster when he realized it was dark outside. That could only mean it was way past nine, right? He pushed the home button on his phone, glancing at the clock. It read: 22.17. He clutched his phone a bit too tightly, face falling completely, but hiding it from Maximilien. How hadn't he even realized what time it was. If it was that late, that only meant Maximilien already had eaten. Probably with his stupid date. Why had he even said yes to eat again, Noah wondered. ''You've already eaten, haven't you?'' He asked quietly, feeling deflated inside, but outside he was smiling at Maximilien, telling him it was alright. ''Let's just do it tomorrow then. Unless you of course are going out again.'' It took all in him to not say that through gritted teeth. ''It's too late to order now, anyway.'' He sighed, almost throwing the phone away. ''I'm sorry. I should have seen what the time was. Jonathan needs to go to bed now, right?'' He questioned, while Maximilien just suggested they could let him fall asleep like this, just this night. Grudgingly Noah went along with it. He shuffled around for a bit, bringing some snacks and something to drink, before settling on Peter Pan, daring Maximilien to suggest something else. Looking like a petulant child that wants to have it his way. He settled himself on the couch, close to Maximilien and Jonathan. So close that he could feel the heat radiation from Maximilien's body, and it gave him a sense of comfort. He tucked his feet underneath him, grabbing a pillow, hugging it to him, occasionally snatching some popcorn or chips in his hand, nibbling at it. Not really feeling like eating anything. He spent more time observing Maximilien with Jonathan, than he watched the movie. Every time Max would turn his head to look at him, he would hurriedly turn it away, pretend that he was so engrossed in the movie. He just couldn't stop admiring how natural Max looked with Jonathan. How he looked like he'd done this for a hundred years, and not such a short time. He looked so at ease. And he actually seemed... Happy. Noah tightened his grip on the pillow, swallowing hard. Trying to come to terms with that. He couldn't remember when the last time was Max had looked happy. And it was Noah's fault. Like Max had asked him 'What have I done to deserve such hate.' And Noah didn't have the answer. He really had behaved like an arsehole since they moved in together, to take care of little Jonathan. Always bringing Maximilien down. Throwing harsh words on his way. ''How was your date?'' He finally managed to ask, even though he really didn't want to hear the answer. Because he already knew it. Maximilien's smile told the whole story.

If it was possible and if Noah did have the strength in him, he would have teared apart the pillow he was clutching right now. He would have ripped it apart in thousand little pieces. Why was he feeling like shit right now? He could feel his mouth slowly forming hurtful words, and he had to clamp his hand over his mouth to shut himself up. He couldn't let himself ruin the rest of Max's evening. Especially since it seemed like Maximilien had almost forgiven him for what he had said earlier. He felt more empty now than before. Like something was missing. But what could be missing? He had all he wanted. But Max just seemed so happy and it made his heart ache. Not in an entirely pleasant way. ''I'm glad you had fun.'' He said, hiding that he didn't real mean that at all. He still thought that Gabriel was a douche bag. 'But he's a good guy. He's good for Max.' that little annoying voice supplied. ''Shut up!'' He growled at the voice, and then looked wide-eyed at Maximilien. ''Uhm.. I just mean.. Kids shouldn't say that fairies don't exist. Tinkerbell will die.'' Wait what. Oh god. Could he have said something more stupid than that? He was probably tired. He really needed to go to bed. Why was he even talking about Peter Pan. Why was he so inarticulate with words right now. He was making a fool out of himself. He had an urge to please Maximilien. Show him that he wasn't so bad as he seemed like. That he could be something else than a bastard all the time. ''He... Really seems to like you. It seems like a nice date. But just be careful. The nice ones often comes out as true bastards.'' He said, and added, ''Not exactly something I would do myself, but.. For you, you know.'' Oh god. He was feeling even worse right now. ''Are you going out?'' He pressed, trying to run a list with names about who he could call if Maximilien went out with that guy again. It seemed like it was getting pretty serious between them. ''Maybe I should try a second date with people.'' He contemplated and then laughed, but it came out bitter. ''Nah, forget it.'' This way I will never get hurt, he thought. ''So, dude'' He mimicked Maximilien's 'manly' voice, ''You're obviously drunk. Let's get you to bed. I'll tuck you in and all.''

Noah took a sharp intake of breath at those words. Staring wide-eyed at Maximilien, feeling his heartbeat speeding up at those words. He probably paled completely, trying to say something. Anything. For a long time he didn't say anything at all. Running his fingers through Maximilien's soft hair, feeling himself getting oddly relaxed by the action, sinking further down into the couch. ''I don't understand why you want me. I'm not good for you.'' He whispered quietly, pretty sure Maximilien was asleep, which suited him just fine. ''I don't even know what love is. Or how to love. I can't give you what you want. You're better off without me. '' You deserve someone better, he said to himself inside his head. He didn't know how to give Max what he wanted. Maximilien was a romantic. He wanted to go on all those romantic dates. Probably cuddle in the evening with a movie. Take long walks in parks, hand in hand. Go out dancing. Maximilien needed someone he could settle down with. Someone who wanted that family life. Noah didn't know how to provide any of that. He'd never been a family person. He certainly wasn't a romantic. He didn't cuddle. He had never done anything remotely romantic. And just the thought of a family scared him. Even though he had Jonathan now. And together with Maximilien they probably were a little family in an odd way. He didn't even know if he truly wanted commitment. He hadn't really needed it. So sure that he could go on without. He was happy with they way things were right now. Why ruin it? Why let himself feel, when it only led to hurt. He didn't know how to trust anyone with his feelings. He cared too much about Maximilien to let him get hurt. Even by himself.

THE END